I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
