So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
