Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
