saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
