Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Randomize
