he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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