I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
