i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
