I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
