When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
