I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
