It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
