There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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