you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
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