the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
