he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hippo gnu deer
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
