i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
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