I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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