i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I need to align my fucking chakras
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
