Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
