I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I cockslap morals
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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