I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
