Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
