I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
