having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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