I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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