I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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