evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
