you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
