John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
