you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
