so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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