My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
