I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
