I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Dignity is for republicans.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
