I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
