I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
