Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
When did angry sex become our thing?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
