No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
