my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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