oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
