didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
