it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
