He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
