just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
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