I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
