He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
