Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
