when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
In America we eat man semen.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
