Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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